311012

by

seventie.

Who are my real friends?

What is a 'friend'?

Tonight, I have really questioned the word 'friend'...


Got into another 'fight' (?) with X over a tiny English discussion about learning 'onomatopoeia' in high school...

Long story short, I had offended X by getting surprised at the fact that X did not know what 'onomatopoeia' meant, and saying that it should have been at most a high school English lesson....

Anyway, X turned bitter and I could tell anger and frustration was in the air... By the end of it, I had apologised and sought reconciliation.. But I guess it wasn't enough.... X replied by saying how disappointed and disgusted X was because I had formed a judgement on X's English level. X then said I didn't have the right to do that (and a justified argument it was) and that X was disgusted that I thought it was okay.

I then apologised for falsely assuming and I told X how I didn't mean to give off that impression... As a matter of fact, it was a genuine surprise with no hidden feelings of superiority... X then replies how X doesn't care about what I think of X's English proficiency but that our friendship has changed dramatically because of that little incident.

At this point.. I couldn't apologise anymore as I had run out of things to apologise for... If I were to apologise for something I did not do, it wouldn't be honest.... I was advised by a close friend of mine that sometimes, I should be firm (but gentle) about it and not let people have their way over me all the time.

Furthermore, I thought that our friendship was far more important than me proving myself right, so I had already put down my defenses and stance from the beginning of the chat... But in doing so, X's harsh and unforgiving replies only made it all the more painful - to have received such things from a person who they say is your 'friend'.


To be honest, I am quite shocked, put off and heavily struggling with this right now...

I don't know how to deal with it because I feel like I'm receiving a death sentence for something as small as telling someone they made a spelling mistake...

Just thinking it about it makes me bitter because I know that if X had offended me (which has happened on several occasions), I would simply forgive and forget... But if I offend X, I feel like I need to give X a car and it won't even reward me with a clean slate.

It's very tough right now... Because I'm beginning to question who my real friends are here in Korea.... There are those give me more than I give them, and there are those who take from me more than they give me...

Gosh it is so hard to be loving and patient like this... 

But praise God for granting me patience during these times so that hopefully, His love may shine through a wretched and sinful person like me.

If my pride and dignity were the costs in exchange for more of God's presence among my friendship group, then it is a valuable trade and the gains would outweigh the costs...

God, may there be less of me for more of You.


Without doubt, my closest friends are those who care about me... The bulk of them are the ones in Sydney who have endured years of being loving and patient towards me.. Who have forgiven me when it's hard to, and who have loved me when I don't. 

If you are reading this, thank you for your faithful surveillance over my struggles and I really long for the day I can return into your presence where life seems a whole lot better and peaceful.

The past 2 months have indeed been tough... But thinking back, it's exactly what I asked for.... Whips, sticks, stones, heavy shackles and the lot - whatever it takes to discipline that inner immature childish nature of mine.

During my time here and by learning patience and love, I pray God may use these times to make me a better brother, friend and (God willing) boyfriend upon my return and for the next few years to come.

5 Better is open rebuke
    than hidden love.
6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
    but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Proverbs 27:5-6


When I arrived at the dorm (before this incident), I bumped into X with my Bible + bible study book in hand... X then asked me why I bother reading the Bible [X being a Catholic]... Only now do I think up of a good yet simple answer....

Why do I bother to read the Bible?
Because I'd be lost without it.


Thankful: Small group tonight, God's intervention during times of struggle.

Prayerful: Patience, love and Godly wisdom when dealing with these situations.

Dangers: Anger and ruining a potential gospel opportunity because of my pride.