seventy four
A gloomy and rainy Autumn day...
Started the day horribly..
Defeated and guilt-filled.
I knew the next few hours, days and weeks would get even harder..
But in my guilt and shame... I sought forgiveness.. I sought God's presence, for the past few days without it has taken its toll - prayerless days and unfaithfulness to quiet times.
Be careful my friends... The moment you stop praying/reading the Bible/spending time with God and His word, you risk falling into a deep and dark world where temptation and sin become increasingly easy to fall into.
The worst thing for me... Was that it was almost as if I could hear the devil's lies when he whispered me into temptation... And me in my weak state, fell into it after a long fight..
LIFEHOUSE - STORM
I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface
If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And I know everything will be alright
On the way to church.. I brought my mp3 with me and just sought God through song and meditation.. I really needed Him to say that it was okay... and that I could come back home again.
RUSH OF FOOLS - UNDO
I've been here before
Now, here I am again
Standing at the door
Praying You'll let me back in
To label me
A prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I've been known to be
I focused on the score
But I could never win
Trying to ignore
A life of hiding my sin
To label me
A hypocrite would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I've been known to be
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one
Who can undo what I've become
"I focused on the score, but I could never win".
An eye-opener..
I now realise where I've gone wrong...
I've focused on maintaining a clean slate... I've tried my best to make sure that I was as holy and sinless as I can be...
However, in doing so.. a lot of problems arise:
- You begin to form a mentality that a Christian life is a sinless, goody-too-shoes life.
- You begin to form an idea of an angry God who will condemn you if you failed.
- You begin to believe that your sense of identity comes from a life of purity and goodness.
... It becomes a life of pride as your faith becomes achievements-based as opposed to GRACE.
The Christian life is about admitting your sin... your depravity and how much you need God.
Furthermore, it recognises the supremacy and existence of a Gracious God who has abandoned all condemnation because He loved us by dying on the cross.
It is therefore a life where your sense of identity comes from what Jesus Christ has done for you on the cross and how we are now called to be sons and daughters of God - heirs to a Kingdom. We are no longer slaves to sin, but are made free by God.
This brings me to today's sermon....
He wept over it - Luke 19:41-44
These verses talked about Jesus weeping over the city of Jerusalem before he was to be crucified by the very people he loved.
The pre-translated 'wept' here is associated with a weeping out of PAIN. The kind where you feel that stinging pain in your chest. A heartbreak... Losing someone special...
For me, I experienced this kind of pain when my pseudo-ex girlfriend wanted to stop seeing me (pseudo because even to this day, she claims that we were never in a relationship)... It was so painful to the point where it felt like someone was stabbing it with a dagger... and every time I thought about it, tears would come out uncontrollably.
However in the passage, Jesus' pain was most probably more excruciating than mine...
When you break it apart and analyse it... you find certain things..
1. Israel traded their King for Barabbas. The people who Jesus loved and who Jesus would die for, betrayed him and demanded his crucifixion.
2. Jesus knew what was to come for Israel [v. 43] in time... And in 70 AD... The Roman empire laid siege on Jerusalem.. slaughtering thousands of men, women, children and the elderly.. and the rest were enslaved to work in the mines in Egypt.
Jesus wept because he knew of the destruction that was to come onto Israel.
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The pastor then mentions his 3am drive to Gangnam in preparation for dawn service..
He says that when he arrived in the neighborhoods of Gangnam, it was very hard not to notice a huge neon-lit sign REGEN - one of the countless plastic surgery clinics in Gangnam.
And then, on the side of the street, a bus filled with foreigners and locals alike dropped off a few of their passengers... who then approached the dark, back alleys of Gangnam - to indulge themselves in sexual pleasures with the abundant 'escorts' you can find in Gangnam.
Now for the take-home slap on the face..
[If Jesus were to walk down the streets of Gangnam... would we weep?]
Without a doubt.. There is so much to weep over in this city... On one side of the street, there is a group of people preparing for dawn service at 3am... and on the other side, a group of young people fighting and wasting their lives away in intoxication.
And beyond that, people lost in their tracks as they seek other means of peace - believing they can fill their God-shaped holes in their hearts with looking good, temporary indulgences and approval from others.
There is no doubt that Jesus would weep over this city too.
But...
You don't need to analyse the degree of perversion in the streets of Gangnam to come up with that conclusion...
Jesus would no doubt weep... because he doesn't have to walk down the streets of Gangnam to find sinfulness... If he simply looked into my heart... I believe it would be enough to make him weep.
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I hate to admit that even though sometimes I want to do what God wishes I do... I find myself indulging in sinful pleasures and a chasing after worthless things in this world...
Even though I am called to live a blameless and holy life... I find myself lazy and defeated even at the smallest of disciplines...
When he is calling me away from sin, I often ignore his voice and go about my own way... My sinful heart is saying 'This is my life... I am my own god'.
Yet despite that...
I know.. He hasn't given up on me... I will no doubt keep failing and failing... But he will remain a faithful and loving God.
20 The law was brought in so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more.
Romans 5:20
"I'm sorry God for my recent rebellion and laziness... I'm sorry for trying to live a life apart from Your presence and truth... I need You more than ever these days because I fear falling into the same endless cycle of sin before I left Sydney - an endless cycle of habitual sin that honors nobody... I need You all the more for I am weak and am helpless without Your guidance. But I thank You for your unending grace... That no matter how many times I have failed You, You always welcome me with open arms."
If you are reading this and you are undergoing perhaps guilt or shame because of a recent failure/sin... Please just pray and confess it... When I did it today... I felt as if a huge burden was lifted...
It was better that I wept this morning upon my fall... than to grow cold and weep for an eternity when I have to give an account to God in Heaven.
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After the service, I introduced myself to the pastor who instantly knew where my name came from... One of the few people who have noticed upon a first encounter! I offered him a Tim Tam... I wonder if he likes it.. He didn't eat it... Perhaps it was because we were talking in the Sanctuary (no food allowed), so he perhaps waited until he went outside? I wonder... But my American friends + Korean locals loved the Tim Tams... One of the Koreans took 3 LOL. zzzzzzzzz. Fun times!
Autumn has kicked in. Crimson leaves and dry air.
From 7-10pm tonight... The dormitory underwent an electricity maintenance.. So all lights were shut off except for emergency lights... It was quite interesting. =].
So.... It's snowing where she is... Mad jelly.....
I wonder when Seoul will begin to snow...
MMMMMmmmmm... More couples back in Sydney.... and I'm here missing her like crazy.
I get one of those really silly smiles when I get a message from her.
Thankful: Church day. A refreshing and joyous time.
Prayerful: Strength and Integrity... Desperately.
Dangers: Wandering mind and dangerous thoughts lingering inside.
